My God, It's Raining

This was a conversation I found myself having Friday afternoon after being asked to draw a graph of my week on a sheet of paper, days being the independent variable (time-limited) along the x-axis and my mood being dependent, indicated on the y-axis. Interestingly, on being asked that question, I had to instantly go back and amend my graph because in all honesty it was the best thing that had happened to me all week.

We agreed that “walruses” is boring and shame was poured on one contributor’s head for adding a superfluous apostrophe to make it “walruse’s” on the whiteboard (also prompting the question, “what’s a walruse and what stuff would it possess?“).

Walrice didn’t survive the screening process but walri? That felt closer to the mark.

What if we added an extra vowel? What if we doubled that shit right up?

Walrii. yes, my friends, that feels so much more comfortable on the tongue.

Being Scottish, I staunchly defended the possibility of an ancient, Caledonian flavour – hundreds of walrae, their sleek, heavy-set bodies crowding the rocky shores – but it was summarily rejected by the harsh, Southern tones of my English companions.
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…Dragon Age 2 would be out today.

Wandered round the city today and popped into Game for a quick look around. Couldn’t see a single thing that whet my gaming whistle, which is sadly turning out to be the story of my life. Maybe I’m just getting old?

I’m still attracted to games like Starcraft 2, but the difficulty curve of multiplayer is so steep that playing online just feels like self-flagellation, without the kinky pay-off.

Dragon Age 2 felt quite nice in the demo – the human models have improved somewhat, being a little less uncanny to watch for any length of time (still not great, though). Background texturing still fails, though, and I was not surprised to find myself – yet again – running round a mountain environment that was covered in what looked to be purple-brown vomit. Maybe that’s a side effect of the ever-encroaching darkness?

The combat is a little better (camera still poor) but I don’t get why the control system has to mirror the Mass Effect model so closely. The ability cooldowns are all way too slow, the attack button needs to be hammered way too often, it just doesn’t feel like a “natural” combat system to me. That’s just my opinion, of course, and I didn’t spend much time using the Mage archetype, which might be better for me in terms of gameplay, but it defeats the point when I like playing characters who can mix it up in the melee.

So yeah. It hasn’t quite won me over yet, but it’s a big release froma studio that I’ve long been a fan of, one of the few gaming studios engaged in actual storytelling in their games. I’m willing to overlook my misgivings regarding the combat system just to see what fun I can have in the conversation system.

I also came close to picking up The Wise Man’s Fear, the follow-up to The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. The first book I didn’t pick up until I saw it on discount paperback and honestly because there had been so many people harping on about how awesomely great it was that I just had to get it over with. It was alright. I struggled with the Polgara-level smugness of two of the characters, so never got into it as much as I would have liked to – Kvothe I could just about get the point of since he’s announced on the jacket as the main man, but Denna was kind of pointlessly insufferable unless of course she turns out to be the female big bad.

Anyway, I almost picked up the second book as a hardback, because despite the nits I might pick, Rothfuss writes very well and generally speaking I believe people that you think are talented should be rewarded for their efforts. Whether or not he gets a better cut of the money from hardback, I don’t know, but surely any publisher doing decent sales on first release is going to be happy with their choice of author.

AAAAANYWAY. The cover put me off a bit. Sorry. Lovely border design and typeface choice, wonky-headed sword guy in the middle didn’t win me over. I might have said years ago that covers just don’t matter on the books I buy but honestly I like books that are gorgeous to look at as well, and the UK cover didn’t quite hit the spot – enough to put me off laying down the extra money.

/sigh. So much to do this weekend, a lot of it work. I might try and relax a bit though because I’m feeling a touch ragged today. Maybe the gym this afternoon, some chores and a nice dinner is the best course of action. I can maybe fit a couple of hours work in later on when it might not feel like a burden.

It’s been a big week on the Xbox.  Lisa and I finished Mass Effect 2 in a little over 28 hours of play.  It’s a great game; the essence of a much larger RPG distilled down to a very streamlined product that puts characterisation ahead of everything else, and really establishes a connection between the player and their primary toon.  As an experience, Mass Effect 2 is the modern interpretation of Steve Jackon’s Choose Your Own Adventure books.

In that spirit, we did go back to re-attempt the final mission such that the resulting end sequence matched our “ideal” narrative for Commander Shepard going into Mass Effect 3.  I did think about re-starting entirely to pursue some more romance options early doors with her, but I really liked the little moment, pre-Omega 4 relay jump, that came from staying “celibate” this time around.

Despite the very strong character-driven story, though, the main plot itself was so much nonsensical bobbins.  I mean, I’m well aware that it’s space opera, and a certain level of nonsensical bobbins is expected, indeed demanded, but I had a fairly broad conception of how the proposed trilogy would pan out based on my experience of the genre entire.  Completely contrary to my expectation of a three-act structure, however, Bioware seem to have opted for two main acts, being I and III, with the middle being occupied with what appears to be a side story.  Maybe it will all fit together at the end, but I’m expecting some serious leaps in the narrative to make that happen.

Meanwhile, Microsoft have decided to remove support for all old Xbox titles on Xbox Live!  While in principle this is annoying, I can understand why they do it.  So few people play anything other than the current batch of AAA titles, that games like PGR, Crimson Skies and HALO2 must see absolutely bugger all uptime from the player base.  Even fairly current titles like  Sturmovik – are like stepping into a Purgatorial plane of Xbox Live existence, populated only by a few spectral souls hunkered down, shivering, in the steel bubbble that is an IL-2.  Purging the system of these ghost-town server slots must feel like a cleansing purge to the guy overseeing it all.

Anyway.  I was thinking about searching out a new game for the iPod touch, but instead I should probably play more Go on it.  I’ve pretty much forgotten everything I learned about how to play it properly, so the little computer-controlled app should keep me more than busy in my idle moments going back over it.

That said, I saw there was an Advance Wars-style, turn-based combat game recommended over on Kotaku, which almost became an impulse buy on the strength of the words “Advance Wars” and “turn-based”.  Given that when I was playing Advance Wars on the GBA SP I could barely find a night’s sleep that wasn’t occupied by little orange tanks sliding, like chess pieces, across a map to hold the choke points against a blue-armoured foe, I figured getting a clone for the iPod was probably a dangerous course to set myself on.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a gaming post without me mentioning Bejeweled Blitz…again.  Seeing as I get a living fuckton of hits from people looking for ways to cheat at it, I thought I’d oblige them with my own method of getting a really, really big number you can show off to all your friends on Facebook.

Step One: create a new comment on Facebook.

Step Two: type in a massively large number.

Step Three: Hit the submit button.

Step Four: If you have to cheat at a game on Facebook in order to get that endorphin-soaked rush of personal satisfaction, you are a malingering waste of space.  Go buy some fucking fertiliser for your Farmville farm or something, stop hitting up my website because you can’t match up symbols as quickly as you’d like to be able to.

This was due Feb 4th on Xbox Live, but either due to a mistake or just overenthusiasm, it arrived on the Marketplace yesterday – the same day the PC beta opened to players.

You get one level to play, a multiple-stage assault where the attackers have to blow up eight installations in stages of two.  The defenders have to, well, you know…defend.  The games so far seem to be a rolling alternation of attack/defence with people hopping out when they get sick of it and being replaced by new players.

Sniper class?  Check.  No wander on the scope, it’s very solid – almost too solid at times, as people with knowledge of the high spots of the level can take disgustingly long shots with no drop on the bullet, no wind and no human error.  I managed a couple of headshot kills on runners that were literally just me holding my sights over a gap in a fence miles away and pressing the trigger when a black dot appeared.  I might as well have got a big red button that said “randomly kill some dude” on it.

Medic is fun, though.  I particularly like the fact that he gets a LMG!  Bullets for everyone!  I found myself quite enjoying the whole run around zapping people back to life, but my teammates frustratingly refused to stand near the health packs I was constantly dropping for them.  “Here guys! Have some free health!” “Oh no that’s not for us we like bullets in the face instead.” Boom.  Dead guy.  I resuscitate him again, drop a health pack because you ressurect at half health…he runs off and gets shot.

I endede up going and playing some MW2 instead.  Finally lvl 20, which gives me access to…nothing interesting.  Such a letdown.

Watched The Hurt Locker last night.  For the most part, it’s very, very good.  Kathryn Bigelow overcomes the majority of her urges to slip back into genre conventions, and the tight focus, both in shooting and script, on the three-man Explosive Ordinance Disposal squad is a decision that pays off consistently throughout the film.

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The Valve blog is still hilarious.

Here is yesterday’s post, written by the Soldier.

I don’t have to know what the hell twitters and texting and body sprays are to understand that they’re not the sort of thing men should be engaged in. Like conversations, or painting things that aren’t a house.

Genius.

If you’re not sure who the Soldier is, this should help (NSFW warning for cartoon violence and hilarity).

Lisa decided she wanted to play some HoMM 3 again, which resulted in the following response from the installer.  The game worked, however, and she came to bed at 3 AM after a monster session on the bloody thing.

Oh yes, life and stuff.  I’ve been taking a little break from the gym as my joints were starting to protest frequently, and along with a change of sleeping habits (I was lying with one arm under my head and it has been making my elbow very sore) the rest has been really good.  I still feel quite fit and there’s no niggling pains.  Back to the gym it is, then.

When Lips (see the last post for a link) came out, reviewers seemed to rave about the microphones being really professional and sturdy and whatnot.  They feel very plasticky and light to me, like really cheap pepper grinders.  maybe I’m just a clumsy, thick-fingered oaf?

In any case, the game really falls flat when you come to look at the track listings and the available downloads.  It is so full of fail that it actually makes me wonder what drooling idiot authorised the release list.  By far the worst (or best, if you like really bad things) to download is I Saw The Sign by Ace of Base.

For those of you using Spotify still, my latest reccomendation is Incredibad, by The Lonely Island.  It’s a comedy album made by writers off of Saturday Night Live (or so I gather), and although some of the songs wear a little thin rapidly, the whole thing is redeemed by On A Boat (feat. T-Pain).  Such a good song.

Tonight I was planning to work on the story a bit more but I just realised that we’re going to see X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Snikt: Also Has Deadpool: But Does He Know He’s In A Movie: The Movie tonight and obscenely muscular grumpy men with metal claws in their hands override any other tasks including but not limited to writing, eating, or catching Coughing Pig Death.

Chapter 7 is up now at the Work In Progress page.  I was going to post it yesterday but I had far more important things to do, such as set up Lips for the Xbox and rack up some points singing Depeche Mode.

Looking at the downloads I still have at least 3 regular readers: nice to know I haven’t scared any of them off yet…

Chapter 7 goes a bit off to one side, basically introducing a 3rd faction into play very briefly, as I want to use the characters later on and just plonking them on the table in the 3rd act seems a little gauche.  Also Belar has to pack up his valise and get ready for a trip, and that’s just boring to write about.

Working on chapter 10 and we finally get back to some drama.  About time, too.

Or, at least, it was.  Lisa and I chose to spend the time celebrating the death and ressurection of Jesus Christ by playing some Rock Band on the Xbox.  Sorry, Xbox 360.  Important distinction, apparently.  We decided to take a tentative step upwards to the dizzying heights of Medium difficulty, since our band has capped at 276,000 fans and it won’t give us any more.  Also Lisa gets 100% consistently on Easy guitar, which is sickening when I try my hardest and get 99% on drums.

I space out too much on drums, though.  I start to think about things, like whether or not the drums are too loud and our neighbours can hear me drumming, and then I hear a door swing shut somewhere in the building and I start listening for a knock at the door and preparing myself for that conversation and suddenly I’m off the beat.

Anyway. I should put the rest of Chapter five up, shouldn’t I? I mean, I’m up to at least 4 readers now so I’d be doing them a disservice otherwise!

Word-count wise I managed to get up to 20k+ but then decided that a large portion of it was crap and heaved it, so we’re back down to 19.5 k halfway through Chapter 9.  It was one of those difficult moments when you realise the characters are all behaving oddly because you, as writer, know what’s going to happen.  Since this isn’t fanfiction or an episode of Doctor Who, I had to take an axe to it.

Chapter 5, part 2 coming soon. is now available to download.