What happens to you when you drink a can of Diet Coke?
There are many people who labour under the foolish misapprehension that Diet Coke is a preferable choice over its diabolical cousin, Coke.
This is not so.
Fact: Diet Coke replaces the ten spoonfuls of sugar normally found in coke with fifteen spoonfuls of a 50:50 mixture of rock salt and gravel. Not only does the salt cause a massive increase in blood pressure (resulting in a forty six percent chance per can of causing sticky-outy eyeballs-itis), but the act of urinating out the gravel causes chafing, discomfort and bleeding the likes of which this troubled writer has not seen since All You Can Eat Vindaloo night at his local Indian.
Fact: The sweetener in Diet Coke is a chemical compound called di-lithyl-lil-a-lilo-bombadil phosphate, which has been shown in studies to have a massive degenerative effect on the Bajs-Korv structures of both human, and badger, brains. This degeneration results in the development of a condition known as Appenzeller-Spitzhauben Myelompocopathy (ASM). Victims of ASM display symptoms such as unease, a lack of appetite, paranoia, overconfidence, nausea, spontaneous increase in appetite, overdeveloped bingo wings, a sudden change in shoe size, defecation of one or more major internal organs, a lack of confidence and spots.
Fact: The Coca Cola corporation is a giant multinational corporation with all the collective ethical conscience of a bear trap. Not only does the purchase of Diet Coke mean that you are inadvertently funding their ongoing global hegemony, but it is well known that the corporation celebrates this fact by firing a puppy into the stratosphere with a howitzer for every 330 ml of the drink they sell.
Fact: Diet Coke contains bacteria that are shaped like tiny lumberjacks. These lumberjack bacteria can cross the blood-brain barrier and spend the rest of their bacteria lives chopping up the memory centres of your brain to build neuron-fibre log cabins to sleep in.
By drinking Diet Coke you not only endanger yourself, but also the people around you. Calculations done using numbers have shown that there is a 2% chance of dying every time you drink a can of Diet Coke. Further calculations prove that of this 2%, half of these people will explode, raining down shrapnel, nails and bits of non-biodegradable polystyrene foam on the surrounding area.
You have been warned.
(We found pamphlets on the tables at lunch, which laid out the evils of drinking Coke as a series of biological facts culminating in the claim that once you add it all up, Coca Cola is the worst thing you can ingest, a claim that is blatantly not true considering you could grind up heroin and slug pellets and ingest that if you were of a will to.* I replaced them with pamphlets that look the same, but use the above text instead.)
*Disclaimer: don’t grind up slug pellets with heroin and try to ingest it. That would be foolish and very bad for you. Bake a cake or something, you impressionable fool.